Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Terms and conditions

Barred Young Buck. Hot young Aussie male specialising in man on woman sex.

Licking, sucking, tops and tails, outdoors, threesomes and some anal (women only!!!) for bargain rates... accept no substitute.

Please note the Barred Young Buck is not responsible for any Sexually Transmitted Disease, pregnancy, internal bleeding, tearing, rupturing or other injury resulting from sexual activity. Barred Young Buck is not responsible for any erectile failure, premature ejaculation, size complaints or other customer dissatisfaction. Barred Young Buck is exempt from any court action arising from allegations of sexual misconduct or assault. Barred Young Buck does not do men. Barred Young Buck prefers you to be shaved and blonde. Barred Young Buck costs between $200 and $5000 per hour depending on whether you're a hottie or a moose. Cut rates for celebrities. Barred Young Buck will escort you to The Logies, The Brownlows, The Alan Border Medal or the Big Brother finale for a cut rate in exchange for introductions to Shane Warne, Wayne Carey, talent scouts, agents and potential hot-assed clients. Barred Young Buck cannot guarantee to get it up for you unless you give him a good gobby first. Toys and appliances not supplied.

Monday, June 05, 2006

The Dux of Fucks

In my Q and A post some snooping dogg enquired about my educational background. At the time I dodged that question like I'd dodge a chick with a dick but after some long hard soul searching I've decided I'm gonna let you in on my traumatic time at school.

I was an awkward teenager. Nothing like the big swinging dick I am today. I mean my dick was still big but for some reason it was the cause of much ridicule. I think I copped a lot of heckles coz I always had wood. No one would sit next to me in class coz the desk would suddenly lift up like someone was jacking up a car to change the tyre. In the corridors I always had to walk around with my pencil case in front of my crotch, hiding the giant felt tip that leaked white ink within my scruds. At lunch time I had to spend my time batting off in the toilets. I was never allowed to kick the footy because my wood freaked the other kids out. They didn't want to be bustling for a screamer in the forward pocket and have to worry about the throbbing pig skin poking out of my shorts.

I was pretty much a lone wolf. I ran a small porno mag co-op behind the bus shelter on Thursday arvos but only fat losers with Manga porn came along. I tried to befriend my big-titted art teacher, Ms Hodge, but she made a complaint after I drew her in bondage getting lengthed by me. I was always in trouble for blueing mouthy little fuckers who called me "Stiffy". I never escaped that fuckin' name. I nearly killed this one guy when he said "Stiffy roots pies and cream buns from the canteen." That really got to me.

I had no friends, my marks were shit house. It was a pretty lousy time.

The only fond memory I really have is the night of the year twelve formal. I had to wear one of my dad's old suits (one that mum hadn't burned after he fucked off). It was brown and had those leather pads on the elbows so I copped a bit of shit for that too, but tonight I didn't care. I got my neighbour to drop me off in his hotted up Torana so all the fuckin' shit canners would shut their fuckin' mouths. When he was pulling out he dropped a mad cook and beeped his horn that played the theme from Beverly Hills Cop. I was beaming with pride.

When I got inside I honed straight in on the girl I'd admired during many a hard dicked class, Alicia James. She was a blonde bomb shell with the best set of pins this side of the bowling alley. Heaps of guys wanted to bang her but she only ever gave handies. That's gonna change tonight. I stood in the corner and watched her move on the floor, my time to dance comes at the after party.

"Who invited this creep?" said the silly little cow whose house it was as I sidled in the door. No talk could harm me tonight though. For tonight, I become a man. I added my neighbour's special "funky cold medina" to Alicia's drink and observed from the shadows as the love potion took hold. When she stumbled outside for some air, that's what they call "the signal", I followed. I had only ever kissed one girl before (that's another story) so I was pretty nervous. My wood was splitting the seam of my bastard old man's slacks. I was breathing like a locomotive struggling up a hill. I was sweating. My cock was gonna explode!

I put my arm around her shoulder and led her behind the garden shed. She was looking at me with doe eyes and mumbling sweet nothings into my chest. I held her closer. She lay on the ground and began to dry wretch, she was nervous too. As I unzipped I thought "This one's for you old man." and closed my eyes.

It happened pretty quickly. Even the biggest stud has to start some where. When we finished she was lying still, she looked like an angel. A tear ran down her cheek. The music of the party sounded like it was coming from underwater. I touched my pimply face. There was a tear running down my cheek too.

I walked all the way home and knew my life had changed. School had taught me nothing, but that night I learned the most important lesson of my life. I was born to fuck.